If I Knew Then What I Know Now

 

 

 

 

happinessIf I Knew Then What I Know Now

I was recently thinking about the concept of success.

I am not referencing the kind of success defined by how many material things you have acquired, the balance of your bank account, the number of diploma’s on the wall, or degree’s behind your name.

The question that came to mind was what has to happen for someone to feel they are having a successful relationship with you. This may include your relationship with a customer, the relationship of a doctor and patient, or relationships with your family, spouse, or other loved ones.

I was once told that a patient will tell you what is wrong with them if you just take the time to listen.  

The concept of listening can be invaluable in determining the direction our lives may take.

What do people really need to consider their time with you a success?

I suspect the responses could fill many pages if a poll was taken. Everyone may have multiple points that they consider vital for a relationship of any kind to florish.

In my opinion the most critical steps anyone must take to make a relationship a success can be reduced to the following four points:

1. Listen-pay attention to what the other person is telling you. Don’t just hear them, listen to what they are really saying. We should spend most of our time with another just listening. Only then do you have the permission to give your opinion about the issues presented.
God gave us the gift of two ears and a mouth so use them appropriately. Take the time to crawl into someone else’s world and find out what makes them who they are.

 

2. Compassion- show a sincere interest in anothers problems, desires, wants, and needs. Let them know you care and have their best interest at heart. Give them confidence that you will do what you can to help them achieve what they want or relieve their suffering.

 

3. Empathy- take the time to listen and understand where the other person is coming from. Why they feel the way they do. What has happened in their life that created the thoughts and idea’s that make them who they are, today. What trials and tribulations have influenced how this person responds to different situations.

 

4. Trust- if you want to have the optimal relationship, of any kind, you have to develop trust. The other individual involved needs to feel secure in revealing themselves to you. This all starts with just listening, understanding their situation and demonstrating a sincere interest in helping them find a solution to their problems or obtaining something they desire.

Let the other person know they are safe with you and nothing will come between you. That you are a team and together you will find a solution to their problems and concerns.

Some conversations with others are filled with conflict and quickly spiral out of control. If you find someone is attacking you for what you say or stand for it is time to take a deeper look at what is creating the hostility. Frequently hostility arises out of poorly understood intentions.

They may not feel you have their best interest at heart.

You need to find out what the deeper commitment is that is driving this person to push you. If you take the time to stop and say “I think I am not understanding where you are coming from or why you feel the way you do” it will give them the oppurtunity to explain. Finding common commitments will make you both more at ease and allow you to ressolve differences and move forward. This will result in a more productive and rewarding relationship.

Most conflicts in life and relationships arise out of someone having unfullfilled expectations, unressolved intentions, or undelivered communication with another.

Get your cards out on the table. Let people know up front what they can and cannot expect from you.

If you want to move forward in your own life, keep the debri cleared out of your way.

If you have something on your mind or someone has done something that is eating at you bring it up to the one involved.

Let them know you want to get this out in the open, and all you want them to do is listen. This will help you clear your mind and allow you to continue moving forward with a more rewarding life.

If you do nothing else, do the following:

Actively listen
Show compassion, be generous
Understand to be understood
Crawl into their world
Find anothers commitment to words, recognize common commitments
Build trust one conversation at a time

If you make these steps a part of you daily life, in dealing with others, you will change the outcome and quality of your life.

Starting today, listen to what another is try to tell you, take the time to understand, offer to help find a solution, and build trust.

Follow the above with all of your heart and people will do anything they can for you.

You have to give something before you can expect anything in return.

Then you will never have to say……….if only I knew then.

 

Does Your Relationship Deserve A Little TLC

Does Your Relationship Deserve A Little TLC

Is there a relationship so true and pure that there isn’t a conflict from time to time?

Maybe.  But it’s doubtful.  No matter who is involved in the relationship a clash is sure to occur occasionally.

It could be a difference of opinion with your spouse, a friend, your children, a teacher or even your minister.  Life is filled with opinion and not all those opinions are going to agree with yours.

That’s when you need to reach down deep and summon your TLC, or tender loving care.  We’ve heard about TLC most of our lives and have expressed a need for it more than once.

It might be good to add a U to TLC making it TLCU.  The U is understanding.

One of the first steps in improving relationships is understanding the problem.  Once you understand the problem or the underlying cause of the disagreement then you’re more likely to be generous with your TLC.

You may remember the movie that expounded the philosophy that love means never having to say you’re sorry.  Others have said if you love someone you wouldn’t have hurt them in the first place.

No one is always totally right and no one is always totally wrong.

Step back and view the problem through your friend’s eyes and heart.  They probably feel as you do that they are right and you are wrong.  When you take this perspective you grasp the situation from a different angle and broaden your ideas and ideals.

Remember, it must be about more than being right.  Sure, it may be a matter of pride but if you truly respect the other person then just being right is not enough.  You must respect your friend’s dignity and self-respect.  They expect and deserve your empathy just as you deserve theirs.

Truly empathize with the other person with more than just words.  It’s easy to say that you understand how they feel but if it’s only words you’re saying then you’re no closer to improving the relationship than you were.  If there is something physically you can do then do it.  If the argument is about something tangible bring it into play to show your sincerity.

Listen to what they have to say and communicate.  Communicate in a positive and tender way without being accusatory.  Even if you’re certain they’re wrong, don’t make them feel responsible.  Keep it positive and happy.  Let them explain the disagreement from their point of view.  Remember, it’s about more than just being right if you value the relationship.

Show your appreciation and express forgiveness.  To forgive another is to be forgiven.  There is more to life than trivial matters.  Learn to compromise.  Forgiveness and compromise takes practice.

You may want to blame others, but examine yourself.  Blame is often times a shared responsibility. Keep your expectations high. Expect to improve the relationship but be realistic.  You may have to give more than you get.  Giving TLC becomes easier with TLCU.