For some families where personalities clash and opinions are strong, arguments are a part of everyday life.

There are pros and cons to arguing.

On the plus side, you can develop a talent for debate which improves logical reasoning skills and hones communication.

In fact, some would say that arguments are healthy, but fights cause stress and dysfunction. If you are experiencing the latter, then it’s time to reassess your arguing style and explore ways members of your family can express themselves more fully and positively.

When Does an Argument Become a Fight

Personal attacks

Let’s say, for example, you and your partner don’t agree on whether to open the windows or turn the air conditioner on. This is one of the many small differences of opinion that typically crops up for anyone living under the same roof as other human beings. Asking your spouse, “Are you insane? Who turns on the A/C in October?” is definitely not the ideal way to get your point across. Even worse if you’re bellowing, shouting, scowling and storming about.

Name calling

Try to avoid insulting the person with whom you do not agree. Instead, keep calm and put the problem in perspective. Perhaps one person who feels overheated can retreat to a room with an air conditioner. Another option would be to run the A/C for a half hour just to cool things off, then let some fresh air in. Problem solving does not have to be ugly business. In fact, it feels nice when each side gives a little in the name of happiness for all.

The blame game

Even if you accuse rather than insult i.e. “Well I guess the house is hot because you were too busy taking a nap to turn the A/C on,” blaming and shaming will quickly escalate the argument into something that has nothing to do with actually solving the problem of cooling the house off.

Bringing up issues from the past

The best way to keep peace in the family is to let the past be the past. Saying something like “Last year the electric bills were huge thanks to you leaving the A/C on all the time,” may in fact be true. Or, maybe not. Does anyone really know just how high the electric bills are with A/C on compared to off? “Every time I open the windows, you go around shutting them!” is another generalization that can result in high peeve factor and building resentment.

Avoiding fights before they start

Seek a compromise for clashing priorities

Running air conditioners when it’s hot out does not break the bank for most people. The disagreement comes in when one person prioritizes something that the other does not think is important. Perhaps it’s worth having a frank discussion to know where other parties are coming from, and coming to a compromise about what’s important.

Don’t say things that you wouldn’t want said to you

The golden rule is so important to remember when dealing with family members. If you don’t care to be called an idiot, lazy, foolish, mean, or crazy, then don’t say it to your loved ones. Also, people become what we say they are. If you tell your wife she’s crazy every day, it may well drive her mad, which will drive you crazy. Now you live in a family of nutcases. That doesn’t feel so good!

Be flexible

Inflexible personalities tend to clash with each other. Ask yourself if you’re good at compromise. This is a high level skill that, once developed, will increase your emotional intelligence which will help you navigate through tough life situations more effectively.

Don’t have a separate “at home” and “with outsiders” personality

Instead, treat everyone with equal respect and fairness. If you tend to be driven by emotional impulses, find out what’s causing that and fix it. Maybe you’re not asserting yourself as well as you could be, then becoming angry when it seems like people are passing over your opinion or ignoring your wishes.

Figure out what’s really stuck in your craw

Maybe you eat poorly and don’t exercise enough. Everyone carries around a certain amount of tension. Tension builds inside of our bodies as we deal with the challenges of daily life. If we don’t release this tension, it can make us sick and unhappy. So make it a priority to release your inner tension by exercising regularly. Exercise improves mood. People who are in good moods argue less about dumb things.

Timing is everything

Bed time is a lousy time to pick a fight. So is a car trip when everyone is trapped in a small space with no place to escape. There probably is no ideal time to fight, and no one really enjoys it (or do they?) but it’s worth choosing when and where to hash out disagreements. The times when people are supposed to be having the most fun are, ironically, often the place when family members choose to duke out their disagreements.

Ask yourself, is being right worth making everyone else around you upset

You can always turn to a friend to privately express frustration with family members or living companions. Find ways to express yourself pleasantly, without raising your voice. Take other people’s opinions seriously, and listen when they speak.

Know when to let it go

You’ve probably heard of the book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.” This advice works so well when applied to getting along with family members. Even if you were freezing and your boyfriend turned up the A/C, will this matter in the grand scheme of things?

The best way to stop fights is to find the humor in everyday situations, disagreements included. Sometimes, all it takes to stop fighting is to just… stop… fighting.